Shattered Thoughts

Passing Through ....

2009-12-15T03:21:08Z

I have been taking a bit of a vacation from posting... I was writing a whole bunch and then my life took a little twist...

On November 17th I got a call from my brothers GF telling me that my Grandpa passed away... I was in such shock and the only think I knew to do was directly get onto a plane and go home to Spokane, WA. Arriving there was such a shock in my system not knowing what to do or what to say.

It kicked my brain into gear about thinking about life and what it means and what my purpose was... I have tried to write lately and everything comes out sounds like drudgery shit... I have definitely been thinking about the year and all it has entailed ... a year ago who would have guessed I would have had such an odd year...

My Grandpa passed leaving such legacy behind in my life... When I was 5 years old my Mom and grandparents entered my life. The man that raised me wasn't one for nurturing or for even showing much in the way of love. My Grandpa Roland Edward Moen was on the other end of the spectrum. He was a man with a heart that I admired ...

I would spend summers with my Grandparents house... getting mad to just have to go home. My Grandpa would let me follow him around and be his shadow with no complaining. On the contrary my GP made his grandchildren the center of his world. That wasnt an easy task seeing that my brother aaron and I were not his biological Grandkids yet somehow he never treated us as so.

As a boy I remember thinking how I loved how my GP thought and how I admired his sensitivity. I always looked to staying up til 9.15pm. He was a used car salesman and he would get off work at 9 and get home at 9.15. We would talk about cars and our day. GP would always grab a box of Zweiback. (Children teething cookies) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zwieback. He would put butter on them and then a glass of milk... it was our routine and I loved it ... sometimes we would put some skippers creamy peanut butter on them.

I remember one night of watching Dr. Who and grandpa and I eating Bugles. Well I went a bit crazy and ate the whole box. I woke up vomiting all over the bed and GP. He just got up changed the bedding and his clothes and told me it was all ok and we went back to bed.

My GP taught me about boats, cars, yardworking, gardening, cleanliness (he always said to wipe his shower after use so that it didnt get the water spots) LOL ... He even taught me how to shave. The day of my GP's open house I had to shave and was in the actually bathroom that he showed me how to shave... That is when i finally lost it.

My GP had so much life and even though he was 84 he was still active. In september of this year my GM and GP celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary. I brought Jacob with me. We sat down and my grandpa offered to get Jacob coffee ... at his own anniversary party LOL!!! I am thankful Jacob got to meet my GP.

My GP was certainly my hero. My MoM and I had a lot of time to talk and she agreed that her life was so much better for my GP being in it. I am thankful that he went from an instant heart attack ... knowing he didnt suffer was good but it opened my eyes. Life is short.

This year i have expereienced one of the best things ever ... Meeting my Jacob... he is an amazing man that I click with on every level and I think we came into each others lives for a reason. Earlier this year he lost his Father in a similar way as my GP. It was instant and yet the pain is so hard to even grasp. We both have grown stronger knowing that we are stronger cause we have our strengths to lean on.

I still think daily about my GP and the many things he brought to my life. I hope everyone gets a chance to know a man like him. The last time I saw my GP he was very adament that Jacob and I stop by and get cookies from him. I remember thinking how I thought it odd he was so wanting us to come and see him. I think something in him knew time was precious. I am so glad i got to have that chance to visit with him.

It has definitly brought it to my mind what muy goals and dreams are and what I want to accomplish but I dont know anymore... I figured I would have life more planned by this time. I feel like I am more lost now... i want to go see my GP and talk to him about it but he isnt there... I hate that... I want to be the singer/songwriter that my GP told me he was proud of... I want to be a writer... I want to be a father and a husband...

My GP came to every event in my life... the boring (and bad) plays, cello performances, talent shows, graduations, every event there was to attend my GP was there ... he taught me so much and I feel that I am a part of who I am because of his love.

I think 2009 has been the year of becoming becoming who I am and finding peace ... 2010 is the year for me to take my skills and talent and get them out in the world... time to buckle down and finish the things I have started on my journey... I plan to have many completed projects by years end of 2010.

I am thankful for the the poeple in my life and how many have passed through in some form or another... I am most thankful for Jacob who has been my sanity this past year... he is dreamy and a true gem and inspiration ...

What is LOVE? http://aphoenixreborn333.blogspot.com/

2009-10-12T22:45:53Z

LOVE---

Just the word alone evokes so many images, thoughts, ideas, and feelings within us. It could be a good feeling or a reminder that you were slighted once. maybe a heart is broken and you worry it will never heal. The eternal question seems to remain though.

WHAT IS LOVE?

Songs are written on the subject, movies made, books written and no one still seems to know the answer. Is it cut and dry? or is it so personal that there isnt a worldly answer? Is it possible to not ever LOVE, can you LOVE too much?

The subject has been on my mind alot lately. See I have fallen in LOVE harder and deeper than I ever imagined. How did I get to this place? I am not sure the answer can be wrapped up in a tight and simple bow. It is more of a journey that continues every day.

LOVE began for me pre-conception. I have been told that my bio-parents were some pretty fun loving hippies. They met, fell in LOVE and wanted a "SYMBOL of their LOVE" for one another. They tried and tried to make it happen and eventually it did. I found it amazing that I was concieved with the power of true LOVE. From the stories I have heard my bio-mom and my Father were so madly in LOVE. They had the kind of LOVE that people admired and wanted themselves. I think this was the first stage to wanting to have that kind of LOVE. To start out life with so much LOVE I think can change you for the better.

My paternal grandfather said that I was loved so much and adored by my parents but sadly when my father passed it changed so many things. My bio-Mom was heartbroken and started a self destructive path. From that moment on I yearned and searched to be loved and wanted. The loss was massive and yet I was only 1-1/2 years old. The recovery would take years.

I thought that the best way to be loved was to sacrifice of myself. I craved touched, to be held and loved in a way I think every child desires. My step father adopted me and he struggled to show love. It was very evident that he lacked self LOVE and the ability to truly LOVE. To this day he lacks the skills in basic LOVE. We existed and the LOVE enetered our world. My mom, the lady that I at least call my MOM, enetered my life.

We struggled in our house much like any family does... we had addictions, financial instabilities, emotional trauma, all the things that we all have that build "character". Funny that during those early days of my life we never used the word LOVE vebally. There was a definate tyoe of love but that self-hate entered and it destroyed the safe place that we had as family.

Looking at those times I think it was apparent that there was a certain amount of co-dependancy that existed. My mom though took us to a safe place and worked to center our life in LOVE. But still the words were not spoken. Unfortunately I ended up forced back to live with my step-dad and the self hatred he instilled onto others. The only LOVE I was showned in those teenage years was alcohol, physical, amd mental violence. I tried to escape it didnt work.

I sought love within my freinds and the poeple around me. Fast forward to 18 and that is when I met Shawna. She was an amazing freind and a great soul. I had felt up to that point the only way to find love is to fall into the norms of society and deny the innermost voice telling me I was wrong and dirty. I conformed and it was all torn to shreds.

Ironically it was about 11 years ago almost to the day I heard about Matthew Shepard. It awakened who I was and why I was unable to LOVE. The truth is the cliche about loving yourself brings about love is so true. I started searching and embracing the fact that I was a gay man and reconciling my past self hatred for true love.

The path to get here was at times so hard and the list of characters in this novel of my life played out like a David Sedaris novel. Often humourous and sometimes dangerous. I searched to find a way to LOVE. I feel I have almost died and sweated more than just tears in order to find true l LOVE. For a time I felt that it was impossible. That true LOVE was invented in our minds and it was something we tricked ourselves into believing.

I felt depressed and lost and so clueless as to the meaning of the world or life. There was a spark that had died deep inside. It was like a furnace that was without a pilot light. I searched deep and started therapy. I always thought therapy was just bogus way to try to self help and blame your problems on others. I started cognitive therapy and the effect it had on me was profound.

To quote Dar Williams in the song "What Do You Hear In These Sounds?" (And when I talk about therapy, I know what people think,That it only makes you selfish and in LOVE with your shrink,But oh how I loved everybody else,When I finally got to talk so much about myself,"

Its true. I started healing and started to find my light and my soul. It was like rebuilding a peice of shattered glass and reforming it and creating a loving work of art. I learned that it was ok to feel the way I felt about the past and that I was a worthwhile person. I started to LOVE and with that came an acceptance and LOVE for others.

Sadly I lost many with being able to love myself. Come to find out many people arent totally crazy when others find happiness within themselves. Some see that as a sign of the lack of self LOVE in their own lives. I took some time and just let myself be me. So much healing started it was like moss covering my life and engulfing it with a new light.

That is when something so unexpected happened. I thought my romance/LOVE karma card was blown away and prepared to just enjoy my life alone with Dutchess as my companion. Then I recived a text message from a guy I had been freind with online that lived in Portland. It was a great new freindship with someone that seemed so amazing.

Jacob decided to drive up to Seattle just to meet me. I have to say the moment I met him inside Barnes & Nobles there was a feeling something that was so raw and open. I was so anxious I had started to chatter away LOL. The night progressed and we spent a great night hanging out. I went home that night with a smile. I felt something was different changed. Something that was pure.

Fast forward to October 2009. I have realized much about myself. The first thing I have learned is that I truly for the first time in my emtire life LOVE myself. I don't let anyone bring me down and try to not let anyone take advantage of me. The other realization is that I have met my fisrt TRUE LOVE. The love I have for Jacob is so pure and true. I have fallen for my best freind and I look now for examples of loving lasting relationships. I tell Jacob all the time. I want to make history and be a couple and defy the odds.

I watch poeple liek his parents who after 40+ years together found they were best freinds and truly in LOVE. Each day that goes by feels different. With Jacob I feel like I am experiencei8ng everything for the first time and there is that spark again. Nothing seems to bring me down and I am moved to tears with the power I feel knowing that we deserve each other and that we both truly LOVE not oonly ourselves but each other.

So what really is LOVE?
I think LOVE is truly accepting yourself and forgiving yourself. Opening up yourself to the fact that you are truly human and that You are capable of so much more than ever thought.
LOVE is the realization that you are one with the world and that there is a plan and that plan may be the most amazing lessons in the universe.
LOVE is knowing that you are ok and that when the time is right your heart will open and accept LOVE that is pure and kind and full of so many blessing.

ATTN... CURE FANS!!!!! FINALLY :)

2009-10-08T18:46:27Z

'DISINTEGRATION' COMES OF AGE?!!

THE REMASTERED 'DISINTEGRATION' ALBUM (21ST ANNIVERSARY EDITION) WILL BE RELEASED WORLDWIDE IN SPRING 2010 ON UNIVERSAL AND RHINO

IT WILL BE AVAILABLE AS PART OF A 3CD DELUXE EDITION, AS A SINGLE CD AND ON DOUBLE VINYL

THE 3CD DELUXE EDITION WILL COMPRISE:

>

CD1 DISINTEGRATION

01 PLAINSONG

02 PICTURES OF YOU

03 CLOSEDOWN

04 LOVESONG

05 LAST DANCE

06 LULLABY

07 FASCINATION STREET

08 PRAYERS FOR RAIN

09 THE SAME DEEP WATER AS YOU

10 DISINTEGRATION

11 HOMESICK

12 UNTITLED

CD2 RARITIES (1988 - 1989)

ALL PREVIOUSLY UNRELEASED VERSIONS

(* PREVIOUSLY UNRELEASED SONG)

01 PRAYERS FOR RAIN

-RS HOME DEMO (instrumental)-04/88

02 PICTURES OF YOU

-RS HOME DEMO (instrumental)-04/88

03 FASCINATION STREET

-RS HOME DEMO (instrumental)-04/88

04 HOMESICK

-BAND REHEARSAL (instrumental)-06/88

05 FEAR OF GHOSTS

-BAND REHEARSAL (instrumental)-06/88

06 NOHEART

-BAND REHEARSAL (instrumental)-06/88 *

07 ESTEN

-BAND DEMO (instrumental)-09/88 *

08 CLOSEDOWN

-BAND DEMO (instrumental)-09/88

09 LOVESONG

-BAND DEMO (instrumental)-09/88

10 2LATE (alt version)

-BAND DEMO (instrumental)-09/88

11 THE SAME DEEP WATER AS YOU

-BAND DEMO (instrumental)-09/88

12 DISINTEGRATION

-BAND DEMO (instrumental)-09/88

13 UNTITLED (alt version)

-STUDIO ROUGH (instrumental)-11/88

14 BABBLE (alt version)

-STUDIO ROUGH (instrumental)-11/88

15 PLAINSONG

-STUDIO ROUGH (guide vocal)-11/88

16 LAST DANCE

-STUDIO ROUGH (guide vocal)-11/88

17 LULLABY

-STUDIO ROUGH (guide vocal)-11/88

18 OUT OF MIND

-STUDIO ROUGH (guide vocal)-11/88

19 DELIRIOUS NIGHT

-ROUGH MIX (vocal)-12/88 *

20 PIRATE SHIPS

-(RS solo) ROUGH MIX (vocal)-12/89 *

CD3 ENTREAT PLUS

RECORDED LIVE AT WEMBLEY ARENA 1989

REMIXED BY RS 2009

(* PREVIOUSLY UNRELEASED PERFORMANCE)

01 PLAINSONG *

02 PICTURES OF YOU

03 CLOSEDOWN

04 LOVESONG *

05 LAST DANCE

06 LULLABY *

07 FASCINATION STREET

08 PRAYERS FOR RAIN

09 THE SAME DEEP WATER AS YOU *

10 DISINTEGRATION

11 HOMESICK

12 UNTITLED

>

THE SINGLE CD WILL BE THE 12 TRACK ALBUM, AS WILL THE DOUBLE VINYL

...AND IT IS LIKELY A REMASTERED VERSION OF THE ORIGINAL 8 TRACK 'ENTREAT' LIVE ALBUM WILL BE MADE AVAILABLE ONLINE...

THERE WILL BE A LOT MORE REMASTERED CURE STUFF IN 2010... INCLUDING MIXED UP 2... THE CURE @ THE BBC BOX SET... IN ORANGE AND SHOW ON DVD... AND...

ONWARDS!

RSX

Understanding Limits....

2009-10-01T23:53:34Z

When i was a kid my mom worked at the Salvation Army. She was in charge of the Senior Nutrition Program. Her job would entail picking up food to be served to the seniors that would come to the center on a (mostly) daily basis, make sure the food was ordered and nutritious, as well as tracking what poeple ate, etc.

The smell of the food in the plastic bins is still engrained in my mind. The Salvation Army (SA)provided a lot of memories in my childhood. I know that my parents wedding reception was there, many of the guests were the people who my mom served during her tenure with SA. I learned to swim at that age.

I felt I could swim for hours and hours and I was safe and protected in the deep chlorinated blue tinted waters. Pretending to be Aquaman was one of my favorite past times. Many times wishing I could eventually turn into a fish and escape the world through some pipe. Sadly I know now that I would just end up in some tamk most likely.

Summers were spent going to daycamp and feild trips. I reember learning to crab walk for the first time, many trips to the Spokane Interstate fairgrounds, movies, waterslide parks. It was a time I remember as an amazing time that was an escape in a world knowing that my family was poor but I was accepted and nooned care about money or what I did or didnt have.

My mom would pick up many of the seniors that went to SA. I don't know if that was part of her job, but we did it nonetheless. We would pick the food up in the dark maroon vans that the center provided. On the way, there would always be a stop to pick someone up who couldnt make it to the center on their own. The time in the van would involve hearing stories of grandchildren, relatives, politics, and daily gossip. My brother Aaron and I would always be showered with affection being that we were a couple of "carrot-tops" that were young and playful.

As the years went by my Mom had another baby, quit SA and went back to school to eventually accomplish receiving her MSW. The thing though she never stopped was random picking up of seniors form the center and grabbing a luch here and there. I would accompany her on many of the lunch outings. Sadly most of the seniors from that era have passed. There was one thing I remember though, my mom's dedication to heping people.

In school I was not popular by any means. When I started public school in 3rd grade I was that one kid everyone targets to pick on. I remember always relating to adults better than other children. They all seemed so trivial in their thought process. I would always volunteer to help a teacher before or after class. Around 5th grade I started being called a teacher's pet. I found out it was not very popular to be helpful but i didnt care. There was a safety and refuge from the kids wanting to beat me up or calling me names.

A I got older I watched as my mom continued volunteer like a mad women. She taught writing classes at the college, assisted with refugee relief, working with the prayer chain at church, sunday school duties, working with an interfaith paper called the Fig Tree. Somehow she still was able to maintain a house with kids, a husband, 2 dogs and cats and other pets within the house.

This sat engrained in my mind and I knew that volunteering was in the cards for me. I tried to find my niche via several ways in church and work activities. My first time I realized how much I loved to volunteer was after I had come out and I was part of a commitee that provided a yearly retreat for people in 12 step recovery program. I was considered the "normie" by the poeple who came to the retreat since I was not in a recovery program.

One of my favorite moments was getting to merge my mom's world with mine. She was heavy into facilitatimg writing seminars teaching "Healing Through Writing". She ended up facilitating one our groups and it was an amazing experience to see my mom as more than just my mom but a healer that was using her skills for the betterment of the soul. That moment just moved me so much to have that experience to share with my mom.

This didnt stop my desire to want to volunteer more, in actuality it jumpstarted a sleeping creature. The years have brought many chances to volunteer. Once moving to Seattle I found the need for volunteering is so great. I decided that I wanted to do something that would be a bit more meaningful than just sending mailing lists or anything like that. I decided to volunteer at Lambert House . Lambert House is a center for gay. lesbian, bisexual, transgender and question youth. A safe house that provides support and great activities the youth.

The first day I went to the volunteer coordinating class I met Dawn Morgan. We quickly became close freinds and shared the common need to educate and volunteer. I feel this was such an immense time of growth for me. I learned more than I could even blog here in one entry. After many changes in administration and funding cuts I wasnt able to keep up my fair share of the needs that need to met and I stepped back. I still helped where i could with minor volunteer roles within the community until a bit over a year ago.

I had been in a group at Dunshee House that supported newer diagnosed HIV+ poeple. I felt it was my time to step up to the plate and and become more apart of Dunshee house and it eventually opened up into my role as facilitator for said group. It led me to volunteering with POS Seattle as well as AIDSWALK with work and so many great opportunities. I have loved it so very much and love the ability to be a mentor and bring my experience to people who are scared and a bit lost knowing that I was there just a few short years ago. The experience has been exhaustingly rewarding.

A few weeks ago I had to take a hard look in myself and realize that I am stretched to my limit. I have spoken with my mom about how she feels that it was time to step back on some of her own volunteering. Once again my path with her has crossed and I have realized that it is time to step back and live some life for a while. As of August 7th my duties with Dunshee house will be done and I will take a much needed sigh of relief.

I know that my Service Work is far from done in this lifetime. It is just a time to keep working on making my life and journey at this stage an experience that I can LIVE and not rush through. It is time to work more on my goals and my dreams and let other poeple take over the duties that I have occupied so very long. Passing the torch feels so good and healthy.

I am glad to have this time to write and work on some music ideas. I will focus on quality of life and I know its the best decision much like the path my mom has chosen as well.

Independant Piracy...

2009-09-30T22:47:08Z

I am not one to really chronicle much outside of my personal journey on my blog. I rarely ever discuss religion, politics or my stances on certain topics of the world at large but i have been recently been readying a lot of debates on a particular subject that is so dear to my heart.

The topic that I have been thinking a lot about is Independent Music. I muct say I am and have always been a huge fan of artists that etch a mark and form molds that are unique to their own model.

Afew weeks ago I read an article on Lily Allen speaking about music piracy . She was very articulate in response to Nick Mason from Pink Floyd and Ed O’Brien from Radiohead speaking how they thought that filesharing wasn't an issue.

No better words were spoken than by Darren Hayes in his blog in response to the article. This sparked alot of debate but sadly I found so many poeple responding that disagreed with the Indie artist all seems to have the same opinion. Critics seem to think that as a public we are "owed" or "entitle" free music and that it should be available at no charge.

Personally I claim Bullshit on this. I know many poeple who also Pirate DVD's and Movies. I will be honest and say I have watched these with such frustration at the quality and the irritation of an exit sign or someones head on the screen. I wanted to see what was so amazing about this. Well truthfully NOTHING.

The major argument is that artist's make too much money on the albums/DVD's/single's etc. The truth is that if most poeple were actually to delve into what it takes to create. market, produce, and manufacture they may be shocked by how little artists actually take home at the end of the day.

Though this is the career of choice for an artist it would be disrespectful to state that this is a reason fro not paying someone what they are worth. You can not walk into an auto shop and expect to drive off and not pay for the work that was performed. You cant go to a restauraunt, feel so good about the food you ate and then walk away without paying the waiter and staff for the work they put into your meal. We pay for the services and entertainment that we want and desire.

Modern time have twisted and morphed the way we look at art and what we "deserve". being a child of the 80's it was not uncommon to make the famous "mix tapes" to show off our fave songs or to show a crush how much he like them in some kind of cheesy romantic touchy love songs. The big difference for many is that we would hear a song and rush out to find the albums the songs were on. It was an experience of listening to full albums. I would not have survived high school if it were not for the full albums "Disintegration", "The Queen Is Dead", "Violator" or "The Innocents".

Now poeple feel they can just rip songs from file sharing never pay for the work and then never buy an album. Major labels are not made these days for quality music and quality artists. Just take a look at artists like Casey Stratton, Eric Himan, Ryan Mintz, Christopher Dallman, Aiden James, et al. These artists live by either constant touring, merchandising, or continuously releasing new music so that they don't lose the beginning momentum they have started.

I am thankful to know one of the most outspoken advocates for independent music Casey Stratton. Just take a scratch into the his blog and you will see a true artist that is constantly finding his entire albums and catalog pirated on some filesharing site. That is unbeleivable when you consider that the only income he makes is his album sales.

Many artists have even turned to some amazing tactics to try and raise funds to continue even completing an EP much less a full length album. Not all artist can afford home studios or even have the skills to do it all on their own. Many start very simple Grassroots Campaigns to raise funds to just complete a quality product. This is a way to keep their integrity and be the artist that modern radio would not allow.

This is now coming attack and how ridiculous its is to attack the way anyone markets or targets thems selves. Amanda Palmers recent blog speaks directly to this exact attack to independent artist. I have to be honest when i was trying to kick start my musical career i started a paypal simply for the purpose of raising funds to get into a professional recording environment. Noone chose to donate to my musical endeavours and that was their choice. But to attack this is ridiculous. That would be similar as to say that a politician shouldnt raise funds for their campaign.

I make a conscience choice to pay for what I can and donate to artists I want to support. I actually choose in most cases to not even order the physical CD. I much woulr prefer to havethe digital dowload knowing that it is less expensive for an Independent artist.

What it really comes down to is we make choices how we spend our money. I feel like if I cant afford to go to a movie I dont need to see it at this time. I will wait til it comes out on DVD or Netflix. If I want an album I will buy it . If I cant afford to buy an album I wait until I can afford to buy it or buy a couple songs off an album. I go to artist and watch them play shows and support in all the ways I can. Given the fact that honestly you can purchase most albums off Itunes or artist websites for $10 or less that isnt too bad honestly. Especially when an Indie artist is getting a majority of the money back in order to fund a tour or new album.

The truth is that if many of the poeple who are intensely succesful and have been for the past couple decades were to release albums now in this day and age there is a good chance they would be unsuccesful. The support needed to start a career and maintain is so challenging given the way we have allowed our society to view ART as unimportant and something that is owed and not something that is a service that we pay for.

Enough of that soapbox... but i feel that it was worth sharing my thoughts as an avid music lover and indie artist fan... this one is for the artists I love.

Trilogy

2009-09-29T23:28:08Z

The number 3 has always held a deep meaning and close to heart number for me. I have always had things in my life happen in 3's. The power of three is so powerful for so many reasons beyond what seems the most obvious.

There will always be the obvious religious aspect of (the father, son , holy ghost), there is always the saying "all bad things come in threes" (I am not sure bad things have come in three for me), and of course supposedly all deaths occur in three's as well. I have just personally found that the number three brings such good fortune to my life. It is almost a mystical number to my existance.

I have been thing about the 3's lately. It has been clearer as of late that I am starting in a third stage of some sort in my life. Returning home to witness my grandparents celebrating 60 years of marriage as well as seeing my freind Eric Himan (www.erichiman.com) put my mind into a tailspin. So many thoughts... mostly about stages.

STAGE 1: SPOKANE:

Being born and raised in a small minded place like Spokane was always a challenge for a guy like me. I never honestly felt that was where i was meant to stay, even at a young age. The first stage of mt development I feel was the flaundering stage. Spokane brought me the awareness that I was stronger than most. I would lean on this trait throughout the years but I felt so very confused by my own purpose. very lost and out of touch.

My time in Spokane saw me grow from the loss of my bio-parents, the blessing of my current parents and created family. Pain, loss, and heartache were not foreign to my soul or to my energy. I was married and lied about my true self and the fact that I was indeed GAY. eventually I would fall in love for the first time with a man that at the time was self destructive but necessary. I was green to the world and not sure I would survive the growing and changing that was necessary.

Months before I moved to Seattle I had felt a shift. I knew life wouldnt be the same. Angelo's health was suffereing and that meant a temporary move to Seattle for a stem-cell transplant. My freind Rose had told my mom before I moved "Do you think that he will be back", I was told my moms reply was "I dont think so". The move was very WIDE OPEN SPACES ( insert Dixie Chicks reference). Little did I know what the future would hold.

STAGE 2: SEATTLE:

Moving to Seattle ended up being permanent. Very early, within months my life changed very drastically. Angelo was healed but there was a shift that had set in by then and we no longer worked as a couple. But the adventure that Seattle was just beginning. I could not have been prepared if you had told me in advance. Thank goodness noone did though.

Seattle was my first chance at self reflection, truthful and honest encounters with gay culture. I started volunteering, learned about Gay prides, politics (both community and worldy), I learned all about all what the meaning behind each of the LGBT letters meant. I worked and lived, laughed and attempted love. I fell and picked myself back up.

Then the diagnosis 4 years ago which made me whip myself around and wake up to a whole new way of life. I learned to make myself priority #1. Not to be hurt both physically and mentally. I learned to not take any part of life for granted. I learned that I am worth more than I had ever given myself any credit for, I found something deep inside me that I didnt even know existed. I learned that i could write, i had a photograpghic eye, and a voice . It was very SILENT ALL THESE YEARS (insert Tori Amos reference).

I learned a whole different kind of heartbreak, I even became an entrepeneur shortly with Glass Phoenix as a local music promoter. That is where I realized I had many talents in my heart and soul. I understood songs and words that I never grasped before. I delved into my soul that was a KITTEN and pulled a very strong TIGER.

I learned the value of a true freind and someone who is an acquaintence. I learned so much from Seattle. Seattle brought me clarity of mind that I could never have had previously. The last thing Seattle changed about me was it led me to something that i struggled to find my whole life:

TRUE LOVE!!!!!!!

Yes i know all things happen for a reason and I know that I am finally open hearted and my soul is right where it is supposed to be. I finally feeled loved from the inside out. I have learned that the light that we create comes from inside first and that noone can make that happen for you. There is truly peace within my soul.

STAGE 3: PORTLAND:

With this enlightenment that I feel I am ready for the next adventure. Much like the feeling I had when leaving Spokane 8 years ago. I know that Seattle has been good to me but that I am ready for new energy. Seattle has taught me more in the past 8 years than Spokane did in the previous 27 years. I have thought about moving for a long time and then I received a surprise gift from the universe...

Jacob... he has entered my life at the perfect time and the perfect stage of my development. I know this is the third stage where I am read to be a grown up and be settled with the man I have dreamed about.

I am getting things set up... resumes written, jobs being searched, plans being made...

No I am not moving tomorrow or even next week... It will be a few months but I know it is the right move and that I am about to begin the best and most amazing journey of my whole life... I have been waiting to be in this place my whole life and I feel like the road ahead is clear and ready to move forward... this time though it will be with someone that I feel so complete with and loved by...

Here is to the best ...

aphoenixreborn

2009-09-25T02:45:40Z

aphoenixreborn @ 2009-09-23T08:01:00

2009-09-23T15:01:44Z

My daily list of nonsense

10:06 @caseystratton yeah I feel the same way buddy!!! #
19:18 Life is good when you and your bf wrestle to the ground at Target...laughing the entire time. #